roaming in the crescendo of growth

I try to comfort myself by saying that this will pay off in the end 

That I may be going through a lot  right now 

That all this unresolved anger 

All this confusion 

It’ll resolve in time, in time it will

but I hate belittling  my emotions, my feelings.

I hate placing little significance to them that I expect myself to just move on like anger isn’t meant to be felt because it isn’t an emotion I favor feeling 

Anger is comfortable though 

anger means I have someone or something to blame 

And I know this may be an avoidant reaction to the core of this problem which are my insecurities; my vulnerabilities.

But I’ve accepted this fact  

So I know trying to blame something or someone even if that means placing blame on myself is only counterintuitive and regressive and  basically amounts to nothing in the context of trying to better myself.

Still acceptance doesn’t come a long way without trying to resolve these unwanted feelings

Being conscious of my insecurities is something 

But accepting them… that’s an entirely different thing 

I can’t seem to practice acceptance without practicing self-blame 

And this cycle of self-loathing is one I can’t seem to escape 

Maybe I found myself roaming in this circle of insecurity 

Maybe it was pre-existing

Maybe it was always there, I didn’t come to realize that it was a cycle until that cycle started hindering my productivity 

Anyways, so I try to practice this journey of self discovery by being kind on myself  

By being patient 

It is a journey… I shouldn’t speed  through it or try to force it…

It’ll gradually happen 

I know it will.