Dear Uncertainty,

Dear uncertainty,

I wish I could start with

“It’s because of you, that I am where I am today”

But I’de immediately take it back

For I hate to blame one thing solely for what lead me here;

In this also very uncertain, peculiar place.

But I know for one

That you were created,

You were blown out of proportion

You aren’t meant to mean this much to me

Maybe I held onto you because for a while, you were the only distraction,

The only thing that was able to infiltrate me, the only thing that kept me busy.

I would place blame,

A lot of blame on you for my anxiety.

I don’t know if you’re the product of my anxiety or if it’s the other way around

I don’t know what came first

But I know for a fact that I never placed much meaning to you before this year

And probably why I’m finding it difficult to define you

But the more I try to figure you out, I know that you’re only momentary

You don’t hold that much value in the future for you are like a deceiving card dealer

Showing me all the options, all the cards I could’ve dealt for a better  so called “future” without truly portraying its reality

I know that within these cards there’s biased, because the future isn’t determined yet but I’m trying to gather you, I’m trying to control you

I think through you I try to validate my control

But you,

Your sole existence is to be uncertain

So it’s beyond me how something unseen can take this toll on me

But I’m done

You may be a feeling,

Maybe even a destination,

But i know you’ve taken multiple forms to move me.

You’re making me write this to you

So I can understand you

So that when I address you next time,

Because there’s always going to be a next time.

I would handle you with objectivity

I would list down all your possible products

I would warn myself

That instead of trying to take control of you, to give you up entirely

but I’de also tell myself to fight for what I want  stronger

To be louder than you

Because I know you manifested, you came into existence because of my insecurities

You in the end, could all be a product of my creation

You could be pent up insecurity that’s showing up as uncertainty and hence resulting in my anxiety.

But no I would like to talk about how I can deal with you

That seems more important to me right now

I would tell myself to let you be

You aren’t worth all the lost time.

In time,

Things will figure themselves out.

I am talking to you 4 months ahead of when you needed to hear this

But be patient.

Be patient with yourself.

How this letter started by me addressing uncertainty to now ‘myself’ is beyond me

But maybe there’s a lesson in that also.