Dear Closure,

Dear closure,
I write to you from this dark air conditioned room at 5 in the morning from the beach.
I write to you at this hour because I think I reached a stage in this journey where im not particularly ready to find acceptance within myself but I know that it’s the right thing to do.
But I am aware of that.
I think I try to look for you in places that became foreign to me
But I also think that we find solace in the idea that if we attach a place to closure, a face to closure, that seeking it would seemingly end all our internal sufferings; our grieving.
I think the deception that comes with closure; the hope that it’s foreseeable yet I am no where near it scares me the most.
I think of endings.
I think of how when we experience grief for the first time.
We try to fill the emptiness by seeking refuge where we find comfort in things that give us answers; amongst friends, amongst sharing our vulnerabilities; amongst sharing and telling our stories.
I think when we experience loss, because it’s heavily associated with a person and place, we try to go back to it to mend it.
Or maybe that’s just how I define loss.
I am also very much aware that my understanding of loss is visual;
I think now, the more distance that grows between the source of my loss
The more the idea of finding comfort in it is distinguishing itself further away.
This paradox of finding answers in a place that is no longer the home I tried to find in it,
Affirms to me that closure is right around the corner.
Perhaps my newfound need to find happiness within myself was a defense mechanism when I felt rejected the most.
Perhaps all I wanted to experience were emotions I never felt
And when I attained that, I felt comforted; secured.
So now, now that I know it’s only natural to want to experience happiness from people, I no longer frown upon our innate need to experience new feelings and emotions from being around people.
I know finding acceptance in that anomaly may just be the key I need to hold onto through this journey of trying to find closure within myself.