“the end”

Tomorrow you finish 3 months
I think I reached a stage
Where I came to terms with the fact that the old me will never come back
It’s Malak Pre-grief and Malak post-grief
It’s Malak pre-Lamees’s death and Malak post Lamees’s death
I struggled to bring the old me back while grieving
But truth in case
I got a lot of liberation and closure
When I realized that that could never happen
To come to terms with the fact that there will be a version of me that exists without you
Was the hardest realization
And I think that’s why it’s taking such a long time for me to accept Malak post-Lamees’s death
Because it solidifies the fact that you’re gone
And that’s it
It’s still hard
I’m still puzzled
It’s only been three months
Sometimes I forget how short that is
But these three months
Each day is varying in sadness and in acceptance
Sometimes I feel numb, others I’m stuck in ruminating

I think of how before I was introduced to the concept of loss
My poems would find a way
To finish themselves
Give themselves order and happy endings

Today i write
Adapting to new words that I previously considered foreign in my vocabulary
Like “day 89”
Like “it’s been three months since you left”
Like “the end”.