you’ve made my thoughts; my grief, home too.

I’m sitting in the park
A humming bird passes and I automatically think it’s you
And this bird it skips around from one spot to the other
And I continue journaling
Because the idea that I can find you in my surrounding nature comforts me
The wind flips a page of mine
And I think it’s you telling me to write more and so l lay restless under the sun trying to find a comfortable position
Thinking of the times when you were here and comparing jeddah to chicago
A cloud passes and I can see the words I’m writing a bit better
I see you all around
I find reasons within nature to make sense of the fact that you’re no longer here
I see you in the sun and in the winds and in the plants
And in everything that brings me life because that’s everything you symbolized
The bird comes a bit closer
And I glance off my shoulder a bit
I smile at the calm
I know you left tragically
But you’ve aligned everything so beautifully
Your loss inflicted the most pain
But I’m in awe at how you’ve brought me closer to everyone I love
And yes maybe my new nurturing side comes from a place of fear of losing those I love
But I’d like to think that it comes out of the love you spread so infectiously too

Maybe I’m looking for closure by trying to find meaning in all these bits of nature that I associate with you
But even in your loss
You’ve painted the most beautiful landscape where the birds chirp in the morning and the winds blow and the water glistens
Because you’re not here yet you’re everywhere at once

So I watch as the bird flies away
I click my pen,
Close my notebook
And walk back home.
Knowing you’re not here
But content with the idea that you’ve made my thoughts; my grief, home too.